Is it Enough?
I look around at my “new” friends, those I’ve met since becoming a mom, and there are few my exact age. I used to see this as a sign that I somehow “messed up”, as, anyone and everyone I knew that was married and had children was either at least 5 years younger or five years older than me. Of all of my close friends from high school and college, none of them have children and only a few are married. Why? Two of my male friends have children but are already divorced. What does this mean? In an age where there aren’t supposed to be any set rules or limits to what we can or should be, there is still a timetable, i.e. there is an enormous amount of pressure to reach certain milestones at a certain age. After a century of “progress” why do so many of my women friends fret at the idea of not being married or not having kids by 30? On the flip side, I have many new friends who lament how they never finished college or went to college at all or even some that were pregnant as teens. Where does this leave me? I am a college graduate with “real world” working experience that is now married with children and I don’t work outside the home. Even that last statement (outside the home) in itself seems so outdated. What I’m trying to say is, with all the paths that we have taken to where we are today and all the choices before us regardless of any perceived timeline, what is so wrong with just saying that “I am a mom?” When did that stop being one of the options?
I know many women who feel compelled to stay home because they have been taught….by whom? their moms… or celebrity moms… or someone else??... that being a mother should be fulfilling in itself and they should not even have the desire to work outside the home. And, I know an equal number of women who have been taught that being at home with their children is not enough, that society, or women’s history, or their own college degree, dictates that they should want more or “want it all”, that they can “have it all” and that has led some to believe they “need it all” to feel complete. Women suddenly at home all day with young children cycle into a depression over their new life and how to cope. How is it that women have progressed to a point where it is perfectly acceptable to feel this pressure coming from both sides regardless of our choice? How is any woman supposed to feel whole?
The answer is of course that a century of women’s liberation has amounted to an unprecedented amount of personal freedom and choice in which a woman no longer has to chose the home but can work, or can do both, and to a lesser extent, can chose to not have a husband or children...although, let’s face it, that is much less acceptable in society. But with that choice also comes an unprecedented amount of guilt and burden—guilt that you are either spending too much time at work or not enough time with your family, and an enormous burden (subconsciously) to not let down the women of the past who have created an opportunity for you to be a dentist or an astronaut, and yet, you choose to be a career mother.
One can not overlook the argument of the necessity to work and how that might negate choice. Of course there are those on the far right who would say the choice is to just do without certain luxuries if you want to stay home with your children…that, all this extra work really just pays for childcare, your nails, your eating out, the bigger fancier house or nice vacation. Sorry. There are too many women who work because they have to for me to buy this for a second. True, I have met some women who say they work for pocket money, but I have yet to meet one with the stated goal to work for the bigger car or fancy vacation. There are thousands of reasons to work. The bottom line, however, is that earning money translates to personal freedom because earned income is power in the world, in the family, and even in relationships. It was the sole reason that I hesitated to quit working when I had children. What would happen to that personal freedom and independence that comes from earning your own money? What I realized later was that my husband also gives up some freedom in having to share "his" income with me.
With that though, all off the philosophical b.s. I just spewed out earlier doesn’t seem like much to the point, eh? If a woman is confident or content (I’ll let you pick the word you like) enough to not work (given that she has the choice) so that she may take care of children, that does not make her any less smart or less capable. It just makes it a choice. But is it a choice to give up some of your personal freedom too? I think this is at the crux of the debate and the source of the pressure women feel to work or stay home. We have been liberated, so to speak, and to give up the freedom and independence that earning one’s own money creates. But is earning money critical to ones own sense of worth? It seems horrible to tie self worth to money, clearly, but I think the underlying cause of the pressure we feel as twenty and thirty something’s is that we must decide if we are willing to give up what we know is right there in front of us for the taking if we want it—something we give up when we chose only the role of wife and mother—identity. When you say you don't work outside the home what sort of identity do you have compared to someone who has employment. Do we betray the past century of progress by saying “I am a mom?” If we are only identified by our children, who are we?
A friend, Laura, wrote this response in a post about Oprah's show on SAHM "letting themselves go." (She has since moved on to the Mermaid Girl Mystery....)
In any case...
Identity is not only looks but perhaps some moms get caught up in this to compensate for a lost sense of self, or, as a way to feel in control when very little is in control after you stop working outside the home. I'll part with Laura's words for now. Hopefully more on this topic again later.
Laura wrote:
I totally agree with you Cynthia---although I do wear make-up and yes it is because I am *not* comfortable with my face and I wish I was.Here's what bothers me about this question and the fact that Oprah even concentrated on it (although I'm really glad it's being talkedabout [on our message board])---so much emphasis is and always has been on appearance.When someone talks about "letting themselves go" after a baby they are almost always talking about hair/makeup/clothes/weight. Why do we concentrate so much on physical looks. I mean basic hygeine is always a good thing but I feel personally that women are taught to be concerned about things that don't matter--not how is your spiritual health or how is your mind---do you feel like you're doing what you want to do---it's how is your hairstyle---have you lost your babyweight. Beyond taking care of weight that goes over healthy---who cares! You can "feel beter" if you fix yourself up for the day but it doesn't really answer the soul-searching questions of whether or not you're happy deep down. Having a new hairstyle will not begin to fix the deep down depression that can happen if you're unhappy. Anyway, I wasn't going to get involved in the discussion until I saw your answer. Thank you, Cynthia!
