All that Junk Inside that Trunk

It boils down to this: What am I doing?

I have spent the last four years of my life devoted to my children. Now they are 300 miles away and I only talk to them on the phone once or twice a day for ten minutes at the most. What kind of relationship is that? Well, you might argue that it is a necessary one brought on by circumstances beyond my control. Well, what happens when the circumstances change? Like, well, my husband is employed now. I don't HAVE to work now, right? Sure, I can justify my work, i.e. pay off debt, save some money, GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to work for the Irish Embassy and make some great money. But at what cost?

For the first time I have to really consider if I want to be a "working mom." The title never really entered my consciousness because I love being home with my girls and I know I am doing them a great service by being there for them each day. Why would I want to give that up? They are going to be in school before I know it and then what? I can't go back and get these six months back after I whittled them away working...for what, really? So what if it takes longer to work off our debt, we'll have each other, right?

Well...

What if the stress and pressure of working of this debt slowly adds up to misery--fighting and ignoring, etc, like I fear, and then I will ask myself, what if? What if I had taken that really cool job, saved up a ton of money, where would we be today? Can we lose six months together and still be normal when we get back? Somehow I doubt anything would ever be the same.

Plus...

When I became a mom, I had to give up being selfish, and I would be taking this job, in part, because I like the way it sounds. Funny, isn't it? That the two miracles in my life could ever be eclipsed by any job, no matter how cool.

Do men struggle with these decisions? Sure, they have to make sacrifices, but do any of them feel the same guilt or pressure when it comes to choosing between home and work? I'm sure some do but I doubt it's the same as what so many women feel.

What it boils down to:

Well, for one, at the end of six months, I will never know again what it is like to stay home with my oldest. Overnight she will have grown into a child who definitely needs to go to pre-school. Plus, even during those six months I just won't see them but a few hours a day. What is that? And what about Felix? He'll never see them and that just sucks all around. He didn't get out of the navy to not see the girls for six months.

So there you have it.

I have completely talked myself out of taking this job. Assuming of course they offer it to me. Which they probably will not. Don't you just hate when there is drama over something that didn't even happen?