Dump Truck!

In the words of Inigo Montoya, "Let me 'splain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up."

KJ goes to sleep "in little less than half an hour." So here's all that I can put into words for now:

My new job is going really well. (Whatdaya know, that Embassy job came through after all! I didn't expect it to materialize, especially after I was told: "We're extending the application deadline" (after I had already submitted mine, so naturally that might dash my hopes.) Who knew that the person I first talked with on the phone would now be one of my co-workers, a very funny guy, but unfortunately leaving for Ireland at the end of the week. (Good for him, but lousy for us. I'll miss you, John!)

I really look forward to going to work in the morning. I enjoy the people I work with tremendously. The work itself requires attending to everything related to citizenship by way of foreign birth registration. (Irish law states that you can claim citizenship if one of your grandparents is Irish born. I help people through that process. There are about 400 pending applications now. Wow, that's a lot. I know! ) I enjoy the work because every case is a biography and a mystery rolled into one. I like figuring out the puzzles and learning about people.

Some of the perks of the job are tea time, the one hour lunch, chit-chat with office mates, walking down Massachusetts Ave and admiring the architecture on Embassy Row, and of course, all the chocolate that people bring back from various trips around town (i.e. other Embassies, vacations.) As for my ability to donate to the cause (i.e. the perk factor), I'd love to be able to contribute some genuine Hawaiian chocolate covered Macadamia nuts, but I'm hogging the stash my folks brought back from their vacation all for myself! Oh, godfather, do think you could mail me a small box or two to share and make me the office hero of the day? Please? =)

Okay, this is definitely a bit longer than I expected. Sorry. I'm not finished but I am...

Moving on...

I thought that being away from the girls would be more difficult than it has been. But, I can attribute my comfort level in part to the fact that I do get to see them at least some every morning and evening. (It was horrible being away from them for days and weeks at a time while I was working myself into the ground to pay the mortgage. Now, I still work a lot but I physically see, hug, and even smell the rewards daily.) Most importantly, however, during the day, they are both receiving the absolute best child care from their Nana and Grandpa.

I am still doing some pet sitting in the mornings and evenings. I leave at 5:30am and I am back to shower at 7am, get the girls dressed and fed, and leave for the Embassy at 8:15. At night I go out after I have tucked the girls in...I don't want the pet sitting to get in the way of time with them. It makes for some very long days, however, you can imagine. It's weird though, because I was walking for about 5 hours a day for about a month. Now, I eat chocolate and if I'm lucky I walk one hour a day. Not a complaint. Just an observation.

Here's the thing, though...

I made the right decision to stay up north, financially, but not necessarily emotionally. I am having a hard time caring about someone right now. I just don't care. And it's awful. But, there are a lot more pages in this particular chapter and I'm not quite ready to rush to the end. At the end of the chapter, I will have a clearer picture of how this part of the book in my life story will impact the future. For the moment, I just don't care enough to write about it or really talk about it. Not caring has to be worse than caring, though, so it doesn't bode well.

It kind of reminds me of the time I went 6 weeks without speaking to someone I lived with...really 6 whole weeks....total avoidance. It was only upon reflection months later that the other party realized how long it was....earmarked clearly by two visits from out of town guests, so there was no denying the timeline...then there was total shock at the realization of 6 whole mute weeks. Believe me, I felt every minute of every hour of every day of those six weeks and had no trouble at all grasping the length of time at any point.

This episode is different. I just don't care enough to think about it or really worry about it...which is troubling considering how huge the stakes are now. I know it will be easier to go much longer than six weeks without really speaking to this person because now I don't see this person every day. Yet, with each episode, it's hard not to care less and less. (I've lost track of what number episode this is, but it's somewhere around 8 or 9. ) I think that my attitude of indifference definitely means something. I just haven't decided what yet.

In any event...

Yeah, I can have the best intentions of being "brief," but it never works. Glad I got a few words down, though. I should have more pet stories on here...and some Embassy ones as well...but I will close with Caroline's quote of the week:

We were sitting to dinner. Caroline wants more beans and rice. So, I take her plate to the counter to scoop her some beans and rice from the pot, when, she calls to me, "I want my fork Mommy!" I smile and say, "You have a spoon, Caroline." But she just keeps repeating, "Fork! Fork! Fork!" Yeah. She's just under two years old.

It didn't sound like "Fork".

States I have Visited

create your own visited states map
or check out these Google Hacks.

Further explanation:

I have lived in four states: New York, Virginia, North Carolina, and Florida.

I visited many of the highlighted states on a cross-country trip with Felix back in 1998.

Most of the New England states I visited as part of yearly summer trips to Nova Scotia.

I visited family in Hawaii and Alaska (lucky me!) in 1998, and Hawaii, again, in 2003. I went to both Oahu and the Big Island. Part of my trip to Alaska included climbing the Kesugi Ridge.

I have a good friend that lived in New Orleans, which afforded me the opportunity to see Louisiana before the hurricanes hit in 2005. Very fortunate, again, to have been able to see the city intact.

The only state I have visited in the Northwest is Washington. I went to Tacoma for a week long MIE conference.

Wow, I need to plan a trip to the upper midwest. I know this sounds corny, but I've always wanted to go fly fishing in Montana.

(Did you ever see or read A River Runs Through It? Yes, sir!)

The book is excellent, but Robert Redford and the cast of the movie really do an exquisite job of bringing it to life. A beautiful film.



But, I've never had a burning desire to go to either North or South Dakota. Although, at some point I would like to see Mt. Rushmore. (I found so many pictures online of Mt. Rushmore, makes me wonder how close I could actually get to it as a tourist? This picture is funny, though, because it looks like at least one ex-president is going to be smitten by the hand of God.)

If you are reading this, a stretch in an of itself, and you have been to or lived in North Dakota, can you offer a reason to visit?

Thanks in advance.

4

My babybabybaby is going to be four years old on Monday. I'm going to celebrate with her and her sister, grandma, and grandfather tomorrow. I found someone to cover my shifts at work, woohoo! I can't wait to give her a big wet kiss and a big hug. I miss the girls a lot.

All that Junk Inside that Trunk

It boils down to this: What am I doing?

I have spent the last four years of my life devoted to my children. Now they are 300 miles away and I only talk to them on the phone once or twice a day for ten minutes at the most. What kind of relationship is that? Well, you might argue that it is a necessary one brought on by circumstances beyond my control. Well, what happens when the circumstances change? Like, well, my husband is employed now. I don't HAVE to work now, right? Sure, I can justify my work, i.e. pay off debt, save some money, GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY to work for the Irish Embassy and make some great money. But at what cost?

For the first time I have to really consider if I want to be a "working mom." The title never really entered my consciousness because I love being home with my girls and I know I am doing them a great service by being there for them each day. Why would I want to give that up? They are going to be in school before I know it and then what? I can't go back and get these six months back after I whittled them away working...for what, really? So what if it takes longer to work off our debt, we'll have each other, right?

Well...

What if the stress and pressure of working of this debt slowly adds up to misery--fighting and ignoring, etc, like I fear, and then I will ask myself, what if? What if I had taken that really cool job, saved up a ton of money, where would we be today? Can we lose six months together and still be normal when we get back? Somehow I doubt anything would ever be the same.

Plus...

When I became a mom, I had to give up being selfish, and I would be taking this job, in part, because I like the way it sounds. Funny, isn't it? That the two miracles in my life could ever be eclipsed by any job, no matter how cool.

Do men struggle with these decisions? Sure, they have to make sacrifices, but do any of them feel the same guilt or pressure when it comes to choosing between home and work? I'm sure some do but I doubt it's the same as what so many women feel.

What it boils down to:

Well, for one, at the end of six months, I will never know again what it is like to stay home with my oldest. Overnight she will have grown into a child who definitely needs to go to pre-school. Plus, even during those six months I just won't see them but a few hours a day. What is that? And what about Felix? He'll never see them and that just sucks all around. He didn't get out of the navy to not see the girls for six months.

So there you have it.

I have completely talked myself out of taking this job. Assuming of course they offer it to me. Which they probably will not. Don't you just hate when there is drama over something that didn't even happen?

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to bring you this important update...

Well, turns out that a few folks actually come to my site for information. Who knew? So I will try to provide a short update. At some point I will have to post the searches from the site meter that show how some people found my blog. Some of it will have you in hysterics. I promise. Yeah, that's what I get for posting about poop so much.

But for now, the update:

I am more or less working myself into the ground. But, this is a temporary situation as my husband now has a very good job prospect. But, I am not burning any bridges with my job(s) until the ink is dry on his contract and he has a start date.

We worked something out with my daughter's birthday, since I will have to work on her actual b-day. I told her that we could have two parties. One in Virginia and one in Florida with her friends. I will be able to attend the Virginia party even though it will be after her actual birthday. Her friend party will be small. Just close friends. Clearly we don't have the money to be having a big fancy party even if that is what we wanted, and of course "There is such a thing as too much birthday!" (B.B.) But, mostly, that's what Natalie really wants. Just to be with a few pals. Like really, three friends. Cool with me!!

I am still sick as a dog. But improving, believe it or not. Also, tired. So will try to post more tomorrow.

A New Game I Like to Play

I call it "Questionable Sweater."

I have at least two sweaters that are really warm but on the edge of fashion. One clearly screams: 1972. The other has a ton of fuzzies on it.

I like wearing them and getting looks that say:

"Is that supposed to be cool?"
"Wow, that's so cutting edge!"
"I think that is hideous, but she's wearing it out in public, so it must be cool. "
"Is that the new look for winter?"